Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The Worst Sleep of Your Life


I don’t think I actually slept last night. It was more of a 6 hour-long struggle in comfort, temperature control, and vivid dream adventures. If you’re looking to have a terrible night of sleep that will help lead you into a terrible, zombified state the next day, I have just the tips for you*!

1. Take a nap.
I’m all about naps. When I take one, I usually make sure to aim for the early afternoon. Once 4 PM hits, it’s basically too late for me to take a nap without disrupting my sleep schedule. In this case, you’ll want to start your nap around 5-6 PM. Even if you’re not sleeping, you should still lay in bed, in the dark, until around 7PM. That way, you won’t be tired AT ALL when bedtime rolls around.

2. Eat a late dinner.
If I had to guess an appropriate dinnertime for the average human being, I’d say somewhere between 5-7 PM. You, however, should eat at 9PM, if not later. The meal shouldn’t be a big homemade production. Get some sort of greasy take-out, like pizza or Chinese food. You’ll feel guilty and your stomach will hate you. Also, eating around this time will ensure that you wake up around 3 AM with insane indigestion, gas pains, and heartburn.

3. Get upset.
Text a co-worker and find out how much work you have waiting for you tomorrow. Start an innocent phone conversation with your sister that ends in you digging up tons of things that you didn’t even know were bothering you. Watch an emotional interview starring a transgender celebrity. Most nights, just one of these will do the trick. But we’re aiming for terrible here, so I encourage you to do all three, adding personality-specific details to ensure a god-awful night.

4. Plan your schedule.
As you snuggle into bed, remember all of the things you didn’t finish before you hit the hay and all of the things you will have to do when your alarm goes off in the morning (I’d say when you wake up, but that would require sleep). Balance your checkbook. Create your grocery list. Clean the bathroom. Well, don’t actually do these things. Just think about the fact that you have to do them. That’ll really work you up.

5. Go deep.
Your headache is probably the beginning of a life-threatening condition. You’re in yet another
dead-end job that isn’t making you money or making you happy. Everyone else is moving on with their lives (getting married, having babies, buying houses, etc.) and you’re not. You still haven’t gotten over how awkward you were in junior high. You don’t have any friends. You barely like yourself. Oh! Don’t forget. You’re going to die one day. Chew on that.

And there’s more! You can:

  • wear multiple layers of clothing and wake up a sweaty mess desperate for an open window and a fan
  • drink a ton of water before bed so that you wake up to use the bathroom multiple times
  • not drink enough water before bed so that you wake up with a desert-level thirst
  • watch a scary movie as close as possible to your desired bedtime so that you can dream about murder and monsters all night

Really, the possibilities are endless! There’s no wrong way to have a terrible night of sleep.
You’ll hate it, guaranteed.



*Please avoid the previous steps as often as possible. Take care of yourself. Sleep well. Relax. But it happens, so let’s laugh about it.

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